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Monday, December 31, 2012

LOOKING FORWARD......R.I.P. 2012

2012 for me was half hell & half amazing.  I thought that I had lost so much of the one thing I value the most in this world.....LOVE.  So glad I didn't!
My family is a solid rock & it doesn't get any stronger than us.  We do our best to hold each other down through life's tough times.  We always pull together to make things happen.  I'm a beast my damn self so any challenges I'm forced to deal with in life, I always take it like a champ.  I also dish it back my way!  

I can't begin to count the unexpected family tragedies & unnecessary drama.  I understand all of these things are a part of life, but I guess I've been spoiled in having those closest to me protected with love as well as happiness.  I'm like what happened??  Life must have been a little too sweet for us & things had to be shaken up!  Life sure will teach you!


Too many people I care deeply for seemed to be moving very far away emotionally, spiritually, physically & mentally.  My heart goes out to people going through personal, financial & health issues.  I had too many funerals to count.  There is nothing you can do about death, except honor a person's memory.  


The life lesson about death that I had to learn, is not to hold back your feelings with anybody.  Sometimes I hold back with elders out of respect but when they pass on, things are left unsaid.  

I wish I had told some people that I forgave them.  I wish I had told some people that I will always love them regardless.  

Life also decided I needed to repeat some lessons.  I wish I didn't have to cut some people off but I know I had no choice.  I wish some people that mean the world to me would not have been too ashamed or embarrassed to ask me for help. I would move mountains for them.  


I'm the kind of person that feels all the way so if life is painful then I'm knee deep in that pain soaking up the truth in it.  If life is blissful then I'm knee deep in bliss just basking in it.  


Some things can be avoided & some things can't but what I can do is continue to focus on who & what matter most to me so that I make sure that we keep the love & support going.  


I never thought that I would have to visit a prison to see someone I love but if I have to I will.  It's a dark feeling for me.  I'm like WTF!  That's other people's lives, not mine but life always teaches me that anything that other people go through can happen to me.  I forgot that lesson for a minute.


Another painful truth is that I never thought that people I call family would go out of their way to sharpen the knife & aim straight for my heart.  Sorry my life seemed a bit too bright & happy for them.  What am I suppose to do act like I'm not loved in the most amazing ways.  I can't hide my joy & I shouldn't have to.  Love me or leave me alone....or get left behind!

Trust that I use that term *family* very loosely because for people who I've been close to & allowed into my very personal space to be so envious of my marriage, my children, the bond I share with my sisters/brothers & the constant support/love I get from my friends who treasure me, especially my best friend who always has my back.
Adorable son-ILOVEMESOMEHIM 
Adorable nephew-LOVEMESOMEHIM
I usually have a "keep your hands where my eyes can see" attitude but it's usually not with people that I call family.  Who knew that they would do me wrong when I've always done them right.  That lesson for me was a repeat because I should have followed my instinct but I ignored it.  

My circle is more like a triangle now because you can't cross me & think you can fill my life space.  I don't design my life that way.  I'll keep peace in my heart for you & keep things positive but I will definitely keep my life moving.  I can't do fake & foul.  

I'm not a jealous person so it actually hurts my brain to wrap my mind around why anyone would be jealous of me & try to hurt my family in the process.  Who actually spend years hanging around someone but secretly hating on them.  That's how people choose to live these days & it's not living.  

If love don't lead your life then you're already dead because that's what life is all about.  You're not living if your focus is gossip about other people's lives.  You're not living if your focus is always being in other people's pockets.  Don't worry about me being well taken care of.  Ummmm....that's my blessing!

My attitude to negative people is what I deserve & what you deserve just might be very different things.  I've earned the right to be loved, cherished & supported.  When you focus on becoming love & doing things from a sincere place then the universe will return the favor.  

My lessons kept coming left & right in 2012 but one that will haunt me is that you never know what is inside of a person's soul but never focus on others.  Nurture your own heart, spirit & soul.  I have to stick to my life script that I wrote on my terms in order to live my life my way.  


If people put themselves in a position where they need to be written out of my story, then so be it.  I really don't hold hate in my heart for anyone.  I live life through love & feed off of my own personal authentic joy that comes from within me.  Hurt is a part of life but so is joy.  


Joy is actually the half amazing part of my year because while so many things were going wrong, love continued to be a steady force within my life.  Love grew bigger & stronger.  Love reminded me of who I am & my purpose which has nothing to do with accepting hurt & dishing out hate.  Love always holds me down & I'm grateful!

R.I.P. to those that are with me in spirit as well as those that betrayed me.  All my love to those people in my life that didn't know how much they mattered to me because my love never dies no matter who tries to kill it.  They say forgiveness is for the strong.  I'll be that women of strength all day everyday!  

Life is truly all about love & I'm certainly living it to the fullest!  Something tells me that 2013 is going to be some kind of wonderful.  TRUTH!!!!!

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