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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

RELATIONSHIP TRUTH

One of my favorite things to do is to watch people in love.  Love birds are so cute!  You can tell if they just started dating, are engaged, just moved in together or are newlyweds because the love is so brand new.  They do all the cute couple things all the time.  

If you watch them one doesn't move too far without the other.  They hold hands like warm energy is flowing through their fingers while they are giggling & smiling.  They stop to hug or kiss anywhere as if they are the only two people in this world.  Their love thing is so heavy you feel the love as you pass by them.  I love seeing that because love truly is such a beautiful thing.......BUT, I do smile & think wait until they really get to know each other!

People in brand new love is really a beautiful thing because you know that their relationship is not stale yet.   There is no mold or mildew leaving stains all over the relationship.  A fresh relationship means the blinders are still on or you refuse to take off your "rose colored glasses".  

A stale relationship means everything about your relationship including the two people involved are getting old & tired.  This is when people discover that love is not all you need in a relationship if you plan to make it last "forever".  You do have to find new ways to keep the spark going in order to make the love last but you can't do that if you don't work on yourself & your finances.

When the love is brand new you don't mind overextending yourself or spoiling your partner sometimes.  The new love is filled with excitement so you either don't notice or ignore all the signs of everything that just might piss you off about the love of your life.  You miss their tendency to be jealous because it was cute at first.  You were thinking OMG, I'm the only one they are thinking of that's why they get soooo jealous or wow they must really love me.  WRONG!!!  They are really insecure & need to work on their issues before getting involved with someone else.  

You're so attracted to something about the other person that you completely miss all the things you should be focused on.  You may have the best intentions.  For example, you may want to pay for your own things or pay for dinner & the movies but instead you allow them to pay because they insist & always seem to have money for date night.

Sometimes if you're low on cash they jump right in with the ole' "I got it, don't worry because I like taking care of you."  BAD MOVE! !!! That's nice but that will not be the case if you are together years later.  Start things off right by applying common sense.  Go dutch sometimes & pay attention to all of the signs.

You should pay close attention to how they handle their money & bring up topics about finances.  Mention what you like or don't like about how people handle money.  Make sure there is clear & honest communication because showing off & pretending you're an ATM is not a smart thing to do. That doesn't work for long term relationships & I don't know anybody who enjoys being used as if they are a bank or ATM machine.  Not a good look!!

Ask yourself why they only pay in cash?  Who do they bank with or do they use credit or debit often?  It's not about being in their business or running through their pockets because you should have your own money.  It's about knowing how bad their credit really is or if they have bad habits like "robbing Peter to pay Paul" or always juggling money because they don't budget or plan before spending.  

Maybe they like to pretend like they are big shots but are really broke & shot up!!  Pay attention because if you love somebody you need to learn everything about them so you know what you are getting yourself into.  Also don't be Jesus & try to save them because they need to figure out how to save themselves.  That's how you enable people to become dependent on you for every little thing.  They won't need to think for themselves if they have you to figure things out or think & do for them all the time.

People in love should be on a mission to get some important questions answered very early in their relationship.  If not you will get caught out there cleaning up somebody's debt, helping them pay for their child support or being stuck with paying for dinner, drinks, movies, trips, vacations, gas, toll, car payments & everything under the sun!  At first you won't realize that the person you chose is in over their heads with bills, bad credit & heavy debt or maybe they just like to blow money.  People who work hard & respect money usually learn how to budget their money!

You should also check to see how they are living because it may not be a lifestyle that you can live with or put up with.  Do you know how many couples fight & end relationships over pet peeves?  A whole lot!!!  Everybody is messy from time to time.  Your home will not be spic & span every single minute of the day unless you don't live in it or have a cleaning disorder.  

Some people tend to pretend like they are perfect, have money all the time & are very clean or as if they can cook great meals & love to cook for their partner.   All this is just to impress the person they love.  It works until the real you pops out!!!  New love means new masks so keep an eye out to see if you're dating the real person or if you're dating one of the masks that the other person is wearing on different days.  Also take off your masks too & just be honest with yourself. 

The signs are always right in your face but all that new love will block it out until you move in with a person or get married.  Sometimes women send the signal that they want to be the cleaning lady, chef or "Girl Friday".  If his apartment is filthy then step over his junk & do not offer to tidy up or clean his place.  You are sending a message that this is what you will do if you live together.

This is why women snap when they see men's boxers & socks on the floor because they didn't realize that they signed up to be his cleaning lady.  This is why men get turned off if a women will put going out for drinks & looking cute above cleaning up or being responsible with family because they were so busy spoiling her they didn't notice she was a little piglet who lived in a pig pen.  

When the relationship is fresh you must pay attention to the many red flags very early no matter how good or strong the love is because later on there will be a deal breaker that can kill all the love you have.  The number one deal breaker is not cheating, it is finances!  A lot of people buy their way out of cheating on their partners all the time.  I'm sure some people have flowers & jewelry delivered to their partner while they head over to their jump offs apartment but when the money is gone, PROBLEMS!


The same tricks used in the beginning that worked on the person when you met them will no longer work when they learn who you truly are.  All those I LOVE YOU's won't mean squat!!  I guess money does talk & if it's gone most people will walk.  They are not thinking for better or worse.  They are just thinking I'm tired of this crap!!!

People break up & divorce for a lot of reasons but money & cheating is usually at the top of the deal breaker list.  Another reason is people grow apart.  There is usually one person willing to embrace change, transition & the shift which occurs in all relationships, while their partner is not trying to read the writing on the wall.  When I was much younger, I would wonder why people would be together for so long & then all of a sudden their relationship ends for good.  

As I've grown I've learn that nothing ever stays the same, not even love.  Love does change, debt & poor money management does ruin your relationships &  most people get tired of being cheated on & doing the same ole' thing.   Some people don't like change & some want to stay in their comfort zone while others want to grow.  Some look back on their decisions with regret so they focus on making better choices with someone new.  

The truth about relationships is that all of these things can or will happen in relationships even when you do plan & map out your life.   We really don't have control over everything in life.  Sometimes things don't always go as planned, people are not what they seem, you may lose yourself in the relationship or sometimes people want more freedom, independence or change their minds & want to be single.  You never know what will happen.

The only thing you can do after paying attention to all of the signs, signals & planning as much as you can is to be financially independent,  stay true to who you are even while your relationship is changing & be painfully honest as you brace yourself for change.  Only time will tell how your relationship will turn out.  

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