Wednesday, August 22, 2012

DILEMMA -Relationship Truth

It truly seems that one of the hardest things to do in this world is break up, walk away from or end relationships with other people.  Sometimes we will play emotional ping pong for years before saying it's no longer working for us, enough is enough, this is becoming unhealthy or we're just not happy.  People will hang in there even after arguments, fights, cheating, disrespect, humiliation & depression.  

I know at least 30 people who talk a good game about leaving their relationships.  Some feel emotionally & financially trapped by their partners, others are truly hurting yet trapped inside of their own fears & the rest love to complain but are just full of *BS* because they are in it until the very end of time.  The ones who are in it *forever* know that it does become harder to leave when you've put so much into it or sacrificed so much for it.  Living together, marriage, children & building a family will make it that much harder.

It seems that people become so wrapped up in their lives that they forget that their relationship may not last "always & forever" so they hang onto the idea of being a couple.  A lot of couples don't believe in ending relationships or breaking up the family.  Some fear failure & humiliation because they allow everyone outside of their relationship to brand them as "couple of a lifetime".  People live through the romance & idea of true love birds creating a family unit that will live "Happily Ever After".  

That happiness does exist but it will cost you.  Getting two minds to think, feel & heal as one is really a heavy duty to handle.  People change as their situation changes so in order to keep the love & happiness alive you have to recreate it over & over until the end of time.  You must be willing to sacrifice a whole lot more than you thought about or bargained for.  

Everybody is chasing the idea of love but the truth is that not everybody is built for it.  Everyone cannot & will not be capable of being 100% supportive. Everyone cannot & will not give their time, money, energy selflessly forever.  At some point everyone will become tired if there is not continuous trust, growth, healing & a positive change within the relationship.  There are a lot of needs to be met & it will take two partners working for the same team!

Whatever part of your life & yourself that you are willing to sacrifice is what should be on your mind not all of the sweet stuff.  Brand new love is always sugar & honey but it is the weight of the long haul that can pull relationships down.  The real love lessons will come for you because that's the way real love goes!  Love means hard work & if you are willing to stay on the same page, when you put in a lifetime of hard work then real love will last whether people stay together or end their relationship.  

If you can't handle heartbreak or when the going gets tough then your love will be cut short & the love will fizzle out.  People change, grow apart or feel betrayed.  They may get turned off & discover things that push them away.  Some people connect with someone new that they think may fulfill them more or at least enough to let go of the past.  You just never know how your happily ever after will end.   At times relationships may feel like Russian roulette, just "a lethal game of chance".

People stay where they are no longer desired, welcomed, needed or fulfilled for so many reasons.  That quote about "If you love somebody, let them go" is very misleading because people are not trying to let go or move on that easily.  They feel like they've invested too much & expect a return on their investment.  People who let go truly are selfless & willing to take the loss but those people are rare. Most people have big egos that will not go down without a fight.

We are good & quick with coming up for a millions reasons why we are still stuck & haven't moved on.  People can be unhappy in their relationships but will stay because they feel bad & don't want to hurt the person they love.  Some stay because it really is cheaper to keep her or him.  Some hold out for the sake of the kids, so now everybody is miserable or pretending.  

When relationships seem too happy & perfect that means either it is brand new, one or both partners are suffering & sacrificing or they really are meant for each other.  Happy couples do exist but perfect couples are just a myth.  When you start saying things like "I can't stand you", "Please don't touch me or my stuff!", "What are you doing upstairs cause downstairs is your living space" or "please don't bring your dates around my kids", well that means you are deep into your lessons.  

Some people really have a dilemma when they jump ship then go back & forth between the person they are in a relationship with & the person they want to be in a relationship with.  They either feel conflicted or may decide to have their cake & eat it too.  Some people are in abusive relationships that need to end like yesterday but can't find the strength or courage to leave.  I know some who are just lazy & will stick around to be taken care of.  

One relationship truth is that you really need a back up plan to get your life in order because you never know.  Life is not written from a storybook perspective. People really struggle with moving on, letting go, walking away & ending their relationships.  

Life lessons & signs are always in our face.  Your eyes, mind, heart, body & soul will send you signals that it is time to end it but as human beings we listen to all of the other messages when we are not ready or are stuck in our fears.  

If your relationship doesn't bring you love, peace & beautiful blessings then you need to get the lessons so you can live a happier & fulfilling life.  Take a deep breath then allow your peace to be very still & take life one day at a time.  Pace your love, pace your relationship & pace your life.


Anonymous said...

As I sit and read this I am balling and in public too. I keep leaving and he keeps coming back, and I allow it. He is so toxic to me. I am the only one who kept trying to keep our relationship together. I hurt all the time. There were kids outside and he just doesn't want me with anyone else or happy. I need out and I feel so alone. I love what you're saying, I just pray I am strong enough to leave and stay gone

Bindu said...

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for finding the courage to share your truth. Please know that you are not alone in this right now. There are millions of people who just do not know how or even why they stay stuck.

My heart truly goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel. I've definitely been there but sadly it took me being so disrespected & humiliated for me to let go. I was shoved out of the relationship with the option of being used as a side piece. Those were my options after years of offering my love, support, energy & time that I can never get back.

Those lessons haunted me for a very long time because I did not know or value my worth. Now all I do is push myself to raise the bar on my self esteem & self worth. You have the power within you so you do have an out. You control this situation so you can find the courage to never look back & when you do stand firm in your decision.

It doesn't matter if the person you're dealing with expects you to break down & come back, what matters is that you win the battle by freeing yourself from toxic energy that has consumed you. Trust me when I tell you there is no better feeling than breaking free of controlling people who fear someone else loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I'm sure this person can see how valuable you are & is blocking it. That is not love at all. That is the strong energy of fear being poured into your soul.

You must focus on a better future & life for yourself. The problem is when we look back we will go back to what we are use to or what we are comfortable with. We adjust to our dysfunction like it is normal. Peace of mind & freedom from pain is always an option but you have to fight for it. You can't just step out of your comfort zone, instead you must jump out of your situation & run for your life. This is your life so it is your decision to either hold onto your power or to give your power away to a person who will abuse your worth.

The only question we need to ask ourselves in any situation is AM I HAPPY? If the answer is no than we need to sit down & create an exit strategy for leaving our situation. You have to love yourself more than anything in this world. It is not an overnight process but the more you love yourself the more feeling alone will fade away.

Surround yourself with loving people who genuinely care about you (friends & family). Find loving ways to fill up your time that will block that toxic energy from entering your space. Use your time wisely by taking time for yourself to plant the seeds of positive thinking into your mind. I don't know anything about you but I would suggest that you humble yourself by helping others through volunteer or charity work. It is a form of healing. It will allow you to connect with positive people, keep you busy so your mind is off of this person & show you a brighter side of life.

Right now you need healing so your focus should be about feeding your spirit & nurturing your soul. I believe in you & I hope you dig deep within to discover that change is one final decision away. I pray you choose freedom & peace of mind so you can be truly happy.

Much love & blessings to you always.

Dequindra Cottle Quinn said...

I love your insights surrounding this topic Bindu. It is a balancing act to love another person yet not lose the essence of who we are as individuals. Once you are no longer capable of defining yourself outside of a relationship, it is difficult to imagine yourself being able to continue living without them, even when you are fully aware that they are not good for you. There can be no going back and forth, time and distance will heal the self inflicted wounds of allowing ourselves to remain in unhealthy alliances. Sometimes what seems a tragic loss can prove to be the greatest blessing in our lives. The weight must be lifted from our backs in order for us to soar.


Hey Dequindra......I LOVE LOVE LOVE your comments!!! I agree 1000% and I could not have said it better myself. WELL SAID and THANK YOU for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the feedback. :-) XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO